Preterm Labor

It has been quite a week. Last Friday, at 20 weeks, I had spotting. We went to E.R and Dr's determined the "sac" was protruding. I went into surgery and they placed a cerclog on my cervix. Apparently, I have an incompetent cervix, meaning as the baby gettings bigger the cervix either thins to capacity or is to weak to sustain the pregnancy. Through surgery, they stitch it like a purse string to keep baby from making an early appearance. At about the 35 weeks they will remove the stitch.
Everything happened so fast, we didn't know what was going on and to confused and overwhelmed to appreciate the severity of my condition and reality this baby may not make it.
The 1st doctor told me they would induce labor and baby had no chance- a boy by the way. The only emotion I could process was anger because I didn't feel she gave us a choice or the baby a chance. I insisted on a 2nd opinion- my primary OB/GYN- who is amazing! Thank God he came in and did the surgery and gave baby a chance.
It's been a week and we are still in the "red zone", very much not out of the woods. However, chances of infection are extremely high during the 1st week after surgery and thank God, we've averted that.
I am now on bed rest to prevent my water from breaking. Which can happen at any moment without warning. If we can make it to at least 26 weeks- it is considered viable but long term health defects would be unknown. I saw my Dr. a few days ago and he was honest enough to tell me if I make it to 27 weeks, this will be a miracle because so far it has been.
I feel horrible I have been such a selfish, narcissistic, fool about this entire pregnancy, worried about my appearance and feeling a sense of shame and resentment. From one moment to the next, the reality set in, this baby, as are all, are miracles and I should be thankful and honored I have the chance to experience bringing (God willing) a being into this world.
Growing up, career and success was the emphasis, being a mother was a nuisance and a sign of weakness. In one split second, I have realized what a bunch of crap that is and there is not a single material item I have or anything I have accomplished that is even remotely as signficant, important or special than my husband and unborn baby. Just last week, I was losing sleep over my business, that being my only focus. Now, I can honestly care less. My phone is off and e-mails with subject "important" or "911" are ignored. Nothing is more important than this baby and husband.
However tedious it is to lay in bed 24 hours/day, every minute that passes is a success and every day that passes has been worth my achy back and my moments of despair. My days are no longer wasted on "things" that don't contribute positively to my life- these days, everyday that passes with nothing happening is a success and has been an incredible day!